my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Randomize
