Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
