chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Randomize
