So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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