so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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