You made me cry and you don't even care
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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