Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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