I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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