i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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