the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Randomize
