Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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