Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
