Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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