Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
