My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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