Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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