he puts the penis in happiness.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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