Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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