paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
