and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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