apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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