i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
