i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
