you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize
