I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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