awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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