I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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