3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
