I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
