I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize