why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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