I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
