I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Randomize
