Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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