Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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