If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
