You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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