so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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