I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it hurts more in the daytime
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Randomize
