i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
