so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
