I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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