I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
