One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
