I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
