I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
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I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
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Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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