Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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