Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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