I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
