thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
