I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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