Your tits are I can't wait for
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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