Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
