i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
