i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
