I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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