I'm gonna have a badass scar
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
