i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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