I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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