I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
