Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
