i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
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If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
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Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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