He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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